“Who would’ve thought that this photo, would be the last family photo we would take together, that this was the last family trip we would go on.”

I’ve never really talked about how or what I’m feeling. I never talked about all the different emotions flowing through my body at the time, and I’ve never shared this experience with so much depth before so please if you feel uncomfortable don’t feel the need you have to read this. Because it maybe quite overwhelming for some, but it may bring comfort in some way to the ones that have experienced all these different emotions and feelings. It really is something that you have to experience to be able to relate.

4 weeks ago on Wednesday the 6 March 2019 was the day that everything changed and my whole world seemed to be falling apart around me. My heart was crushed into pieces and there will always be that one piece missing.

Rewind back to that morning i remember it as if this event only happened yesterday.

Wednesday morning it was a usual morning for us, my son was the first one up as usual so we done our normal routine. Breakfast, school bag ready, brush teeth. My partner started night shift that day so he was still in bed. My daughter was still asleep (shes not a morning person) but i kept checking on her as i was doing my son and to me she was still fast asleep, sleeping on her stomach as normal. About 8:15 am I tell my partner “hey that girls still asleep, so if I wake her up and put her in bed with you, can you get her ready so when I get back I can take her to daycare” he said that was fine. I go into my daughters room and open her curtains as I normally do before waking her up, I walk over to her cot and as I get closer she looks a little bit bruised, and cold. I touch her cheeks and shes cold ice cold, so i turn her on her back. And that’s when i knew…………….

I knew something wasn’t right, I knew my baby girl wasn’t breathing, and I knew my baby girl was gone. I don,t even know what emotions were flowing through my body at the time. The first thing I done was yelled out to my partner, he didn’t hesitate he knew from the tone in my voice something wasn’t right. He came running into her room “What?! What?!”  He ran over to her cot, in the corner of my eye I see my son standing by his sisters bedroom door. I quickly take him into the lounge as I didn’t want him to see his sister like that. 

I’m literally pacing up and down the hallway, wondering what the heck is happening, what the hell do I do, who do I ring?

My partners in the room with our daughter, trying to give her CPR as well as trying to get through to ring an ambulance.

I’m pacing everywhere at this stage, its slowly sinking in and I can feel my body going into shock, first person who comes to mind is my mum. I ring her, now it’s about 8:25 am and she starts work at 8:30 am so usually she would’ve already left for work but on that day she was running late so she picks up. “Mum mum, baby baby my baby!” I’m not making sense on the phone but she can tell by my tone that somethings up. Immediately she tells me “I’m on my way, ring an ambulance!”

I’m pacing up and down the driveway at this stage, my son is inside watching television oblivious to what is happening around him. And my partner is still in the room on the phone to the ambulance. I dial 111, and ask for an ambulance, the lady says “is someone else ringing because we have someone on the other line at the same address” by this time I’m getting frustrated and I’m swearing at the telephone operator wondering why she isn’t telling the ambulance drivers to drive faster.

I’m by my front gate waiting for the ambulance to show up, so i can wave them down.

This girl shows up on a bike. As she gets closer I recognize her “she tells me hey did you just ring the ambulance, I’m a first aid and I live around the corner is it alright to go inside?” Not hesitation I tell her what room to go to.

I’m now in the lounge with my son, my mum shows up and says “where’s baby?” My reply “in her room” she goes to the room and I can hear her as soon as she see’s my partner sitting on the floor cuddling our daughter. Her whaling but it was a hurt sound, I could hear it in her tone. That sound gave me chills up my spine.

The ambulance finally shows up, the ladies walk into the lounge, “where are they?” in the second room on your right I say. They feel for a pulse, no pulse!. They listen and observe for breathing movement, nothing!. They pull there defibrillator, and pause and say to my partner, “She’s gone.” I see them walk into the lounge, and pick up the spare first aid bag they have they turn and say “Where sorry”, and leave. My hearts beating faster then ever by now.

The first aide comes down into the lounge, I’m still in denial she looks straight at me and I could tell I knew, but I didn’t want to know, I wanted this all to be a horrible dream that I was soon going to wake up from. Those words “girl I am so sorry” the look in her eyes, the shaking in her voice as she said those words to me. Instantly I drop, I drop to my knees and I cry, I scream, I yell, and I cry. My knees are weak, my legs give in. My heart is sore and the tears keep flowing and flowing…….. My body is numb, so numb. And my mind is blank no thoughts are flowing, For once in my life I am speechless.

I look up my mum’s standing there she kneels down and holds me and cries with me, she tells me “babe I have to ring your dad, he’s dropping your brother off at school then going to the gym”. Instantly I think oh no, who am I going to ring for my partner, so I dial his sister’s number she picks up. I’m not making sense at all, mum grabs the phone off me and tells her what’s just happened.

By now I’m sitting on the couch trying to wrap my head around everything, I look up and I see my partner carrying our baby down into the lounge. “My baby I’m thinking, why me? what did I do? why my baby, she was just a baby?” I cradle her in my arms, and bury my head on her chest”. So many people start showing up, its so overwhelming I don’t know where half of them have come from. So many police officers have shown up, I’ve never seen so many show up in one place before. More friends of family members, and family members are showing up, people we haven’t spoken to in months some even years are showing up. I have no idea what is happening, and I’m wondering why all these people are at my house when I never talk to them on an everyday occasion.

The police want to talk to me and my partner, just to keep us informed on these types of incidents and what the next step in this process is. A couple of hours pass and a get a few phone calls. One is from my son’s school just wanting to know if he is sick because I forgot to ring them. I had to tell them that he won’t be at school for awhile and explain the reason why without blubbering over the phone and not making sense. Next phone call I have to make is to my daughters daycare to explain the circumstances. I know that this phone call isn’t  going to be an easy one. But I manage to pull myself together.

We soon get told that we have to contact the coroner to take baby to the morgue, but we could take our time there was no rush at all. More family and friends keep showing up, to pay there respects. Soon enough the coroner shows up, a prayer was said before they took her away.

Me and my dad follow the hurst back to the hospital, while my partner rides with the coroner and our girl. We arrive at the hospital and they unload her into this room. It’s cold it feels like a big fridge, they show us to the family room where we are seated. Waiting to be seen by police officers, what seems like forever we are greeted by two officers they introduce themselves, not long after my partners parents walk in the door. More tears start flowing, one officer introduces themselves to me and want’s to talk to me to get a police report. The other officer does the same thing to my partner, we sit down and both give them our statements. Where offered a hot drink, and the officers leave the room as they have finished what they came to do. They reassure us that if we need anything not to hesitate to ask. As we wait in the family room for the coroner to tell us we can see our girl more family show up, we soon get told we can see her. They bring her into the family room to see us, she’s so beautiful. She look’s at peace. She looks like she’s asleep, as I gaze down at her I get a sudden realization that I’m never going to see those sparkly big brown eyes again. My heart breaks a million times over again.

We get told as a few hours pass that we have to leave by 8 pm. We quickly decide to have a church service before we leave for the night, more close family and friends gather at the hospital to have church, as everyone’s leaving we say our goodbyes. My partner and his mother decide to camp out for the night, outside the hospital I decided to go see them early hours of the morning but I felt it was their time to have there one on one time. I asked to go to my mothers, to my surprise she was still awake. I arrived and slept for a few hours, my partner had soon arrived as they had taken our girl down to Palmerston North to see if they could find the causes of her passing. We slept for a bit soon after he arrived.

That day is still as clear as ever, I will write my feelings and blog about it in another post, and the next week soon after that day. Thank you for reading, and please do leave a comment below